So proud of this feature for Juno Magazine, my first paid lifestyle byline, about the challenges of motherhood and marriage when they first butt heads.
I'm not saying I have all the answers—or any answers, for that matter—but the response I got to this article was touching. It's so clear that not enough of us talk about the issues facing new moms, not least of which are those that relate to the care, feeding, and upkeep of a new-parent partnership.
All I know is that when we do talk about subjects like this, a lot of us feel less alone. Enjoy.
One weekend I binged-watched a show I wasn't even sure I liked, and had so many thoughts about it they got written down and published on Bust.com. Righteous!
The sound of their cold, rigid silence was deafening. He found not speaking to each other so much more effort full, both mentally and physically, than conversation. Casual talk, even if flanked by long periods of quiet, did not have anywhere near the same weight. No, he knew this silence was an aggression, an act of war, and he only hoped she'd tire of the burden and put down her stoney weapon. His white flag was ready. Always proportional to the size of his transgressions, he figured this would be a 2-3 day freeze out. Then they could go back to their easy banter, their complacent bickering. But for now he knew all too well the rules of engagement, and they were simply: do not.
Adam was upset. "But we said we wouldn't!"
Jane knew she'd gone back on her word but right now she didn't care. It was done, bought, sized. But Adam wouldn't let it go.
"No, I said I wouldn't wear your ring. And that you're under no obligation to wear one yourself."
Adam pleaded, "But then, why?"
"It doesn't matter why—"
"It does matter! This was what we chose, exactly what we said didn't want to participate in. What do you need to prove? And who do you need to prove it to? You don't need some kind of lame validation."
Superficial symbolism of a tired patriarchy or not, wearing or not wearing a ring just seemed like small potatoes now. Jane was exhausted.
"It's just....easier."
"Easier for who? You mean easier for other people."
"So what if it is?"
This is what Jane knew he'd never understand. That this wasn't about him, or them as a couple. Worn on just the right finger on just the right occasions, this was a gift to herself, a favor, always about other women, and always about other men. She wanted it to squash unnecessary questions, to avoid awkward conversations, to repel and yes, to protect. She imagined this simple, no frills silver ring as a force field, just the right whiff of conformity, a white flag that when raised said to the opposing army, "We are the same. There's no need for conflict or uncertainty here."
Yet Jane knew that, in time, when she did wear the ring, it would barely get noticed, particularly to Adam who seemed to care so much now, adamant, yet wholly unburdened. It would soon fade into the background, this object, this conversation. At the end of the day, she knew that however small, this tiny slip of silver was big enough to shelter them all.
